Dear Nirvona,

You are the sun caressing the skyline from our 4th floor living room, taking your time to set deliberately in a place that looks just like yesterday's but is in all actuality at a slightly different spot than the day before. Each day, getting more and more beautiful. And I thank God for the opportunity to bear witness to you again in this world. And for you being with me as I write this.

It is sunday evening and im getting back from a slow run up bbp. And I think about you and what to write to you in this letter every day. i am taking the courage to finally pour out my heart. Thank you for letting us get to this next step. Always thank you.

The question to be answered is: * what is it that we need in a relationship, really

I thought about getting formulaic with it - like a maslow's hierarchy of needs with the bottom layer defining the table stakes of what I need to even enter our relationship - a middle tier with what makes us work really well and that we can continually work on to make each other happy - and a top tier of what we can hope to achieve one day together and how you and I can work toward those things in tandem. I dont think it is a bad model to be honest. In an effort to be more earnest, however, I'm eschewing it to write you a letter worth reading, not a manual. Manuals get outdated and need updating and I think we have got that part down. My feelings cannot be put in a manual and are rarely written so that's what is being attempted here.

On what I need

I need to admire you. That is the truest thing I can write. I am at my best with you when I am watching you struggle toward something that matters a lot, to you or someone or no one or just doing things for the love of it. When you are chasing the next big thing I am the most in love with you, more than anyone has ever been with anyone else. I love your dreams and your ambitions and you have so much success ahead of you I can see it. Sometimes the road to that success means taking a break and sometimes it means helping me and both of those are ok with me. And sometimes it means messing up and I am there to pick you up and kiss your forehead and tell you good job I love you so much and ask you what you need and if you wanna keep going in your thing and it is okay if not i mean it so much and it is okay if you don't know either and if you do not want to talk about it. And if you need space. And if you need a cheerleader and a best friend or for me to do it for a little bit.

I need a partner. Not just someone who loves me but someone who shows up. I needed your material support during our relationship and when I felt it lacking I hurt. I am not saying this to throw it in your face I am saying it because I know you are capable of it. I have watched you grow in ways that are genuinely hard and confusing and threatening and you pushed through it while remaining yourself which was so important to me. A partner takes responsibility and accountability and gets stuff done and I have seen you become that person more and more and I want to help you through the rest of it if i ever can and I think you know what I mean. I want us to carry things together. And if you cannot that is okay but acknowledging that and not letting me just carry the silent burdens alone. I felt alone sometimes not because you were not there but because I did not have you with me in what I felt was important. I do not want to focus on the negative but I really needed you some of those times and you were there but you were not if you can follow that and that loneliness was so so bad. And I wish i communicated it to you earlier if i had the words and im sorry i did not and instead chose to ice you out and build up to what i did. Nirvona i am so sorry. It was not fair and it was not kind. More on this later. Partnership to me, actually believe it or not, you and I got so much of it right. And it made it worse when we missed it entirely but Nirvona we really got it down mostly I mean it and I'm excited for it and it won't be perfect but I will do my part to be a better partner to you. I went to a stupid poetry event and they were all so bad I hated every single one and I understand poetry is subjective but no it is not and I just missed you so much each time I listened to every word I missed you more. And I'm sorry I do not like poetry immediately I can learn to love your poetry.

We were marred right at the beginning with lies that laid a poor foundation for a heavy year of change. I was so hurt when I felt excluded by you. I was embarrassed in Italy by my presence. I am so hurt when our relationship is torn by simple trust issues that did not need to exist. Examples on both ends i am so far from perfect. You asked me to make you promises and you were hurt by my breaking them constantly. I am entering this with a reset if you are willing to have one and I mean it and it is easier written than done but my heart and mind are clear if God allows us this chance again. A lifetime ahead of us. And I want your forgiveness for everything I have done. I apologize for lashing out at you. I ask God for forgiveness when I pray and I remember to ask him for it. I'm sorry to have hurt you so often.

I need to respect you more. I do not mean that as a threat toward you I mean it at myself. I need to be more respectful of the fact that you give me so much of your time and your love. I need to be graceful. I need to adore you more deliberately than I have. This is something I owe you.

I need you to be committed to me and to us. So much of what we struggled with came from inconsistency and insecurity in decision making and I think you know that. I want you to keep your words as best you can and I understand that things change and that is ok. My part of being committed is understanding that everything in your life needs priority too and I will not overbear. In fact I will help. But I am asking you to choose this. Choose us. With the fair understanding that I already have.

I want a good conversation between us. Not just about what is next and how to achieve it but thoughts. I want to stay up til 4am without watching a movie, just lost meandering nowhere, telling each other stories or advising each other or sharing what we read or saw or heard or smelled or felt. I want to laugh and joke and tease. I want alone time together. I want to build a life with you. I want big things for you and I want simple moments. I want to give you the same.

And I need to kiss you every chance i get forever

Manny 4/20/26